Saturday, July 01, 2006
ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)
England 0-0 Portugal
(Portugal win 3-1 on penalties)
Another quarter-final, another "heroic" defeat for England on penalties.
What is it in the English psyche which means we lack the steel to beat a keeper from 12 yards under pressure?
Proven worldbeaters like Frank Lampard (who had a terrible tournament) and Steven Gerrard (who had a fine one) were not up to the task.
Only Owen Hargreaves, who tellingly plays his football in German league, had the gumption to slide the ball home.
But really this England side should have had enough to beat Portugal within the regulation 90 minutes.
Sure, Wayne Rooney lost his noggin - partly thanks to clubmate Cristiano Ronaldo - but his red card was borne of the frustration of playing as a lone striker.
Rooney's industry made 4-5-1 look a reasonable formation, but it was a waste of probably the most talented deep-lying striker in the game.
The folly of taking too few front men was cruelly exposed and the dream is over once again for another four years.
(Portugal win 3-1 on penalties)
Another quarter-final, another "heroic" defeat for England on penalties.
What is it in the English psyche which means we lack the steel to beat a keeper from 12 yards under pressure?
Proven worldbeaters like Frank Lampard (who had a terrible tournament) and Steven Gerrard (who had a fine one) were not up to the task.
Only Owen Hargreaves, who tellingly plays his football in German league, had the gumption to slide the ball home.
But really this England side should have had enough to beat Portugal within the regulation 90 minutes.
Sure, Wayne Rooney lost his noggin - partly thanks to clubmate Cristiano Ronaldo - but his red card was borne of the frustration of playing as a lone striker.
Rooney's industry made 4-5-1 look a reasonable formation, but it was a waste of probably the most talented deep-lying striker in the game.
The folly of taking too few front men was cruelly exposed and the dream is over once again for another four years.
Monday, June 19, 2006
RANDOM TOP 10 - Commentary Cliches
A Game of two halves - 10 things World Cup Commentators must say:
1. At all England matches drop in a reference or 20 to 1966.
2. Always refer to the ahleticism and naivety of African teams.
3. When Portugal are playing make sure you harp back to the Golden Generation.
4. Burst into raptures about Brazilian flair whenever one of their players kicks the ball straight.
5. Talk about the ruthless efficiency of the Germans.
6. Mention the cynical mentality of the Italians - especially if there's a foul.
7. Penalties are always a cruel way to finish any game.
8. Talk about the Latin temperament in any match involving South Americans, Portugal or Spain.
9. Atmospheres should be either a cauldron or a festival.
10. Talk of FIFA directives should accompany any booking or sending-off.
1. At all England matches drop in a reference or 20 to 1966.
2. Always refer to the ahleticism and naivety of African teams.
3. When Portugal are playing make sure you harp back to the Golden Generation.
4. Burst into raptures about Brazilian flair whenever one of their players kicks the ball straight.
5. Talk about the ruthless efficiency of the Germans.
6. Mention the cynical mentality of the Italians - especially if there's a foul.
7. Penalties are always a cruel way to finish any game.
8. Talk about the Latin temperament in any match involving South Americans, Portugal or Spain.
9. Atmospheres should be either a cauldron or a festival.
10. Talk of FIFA directives should accompany any booking or sending-off.
ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)
England 2-0 Trinidad&Tobago
Okay so not quite worldbeaters then, panelbeaters perhaps.
As, er, mighty England struggle for 83 minutes to break down an admittedly determined T&T defence.
After playing well for 20 minutes, Becks and co panic and revert to route one, lumping the ball upfield in the hope that that it might hit Peter Crouch.
Eventually it works and Steven Gerrard adds a brilliant second a couple of minutes later to spare Sven's blushes.
Wayne Rooney takes all the credit after coming on for the last half hour, but it's actually Aaron Lennon - introduced at the same time - who gets the side going with some stirring runs down the right flank.
"Wazzer" - and gawd 'elp us! Owen Hargreaves - start against Sweden tomorrow (Tuesday).
Expect a lame draw for the chance to meet Ecuador in the next round.
In a Word: Desperate
Out of 10: 5
Okay so not quite worldbeaters then, panelbeaters perhaps.
As, er, mighty England struggle for 83 minutes to break down an admittedly determined T&T defence.
After playing well for 20 minutes, Becks and co panic and revert to route one, lumping the ball upfield in the hope that that it might hit Peter Crouch.
Eventually it works and Steven Gerrard adds a brilliant second a couple of minutes later to spare Sven's blushes.
Wayne Rooney takes all the credit after coming on for the last half hour, but it's actually Aaron Lennon - introduced at the same time - who gets the side going with some stirring runs down the right flank.
"Wazzer" - and gawd 'elp us! Owen Hargreaves - start against Sweden tomorrow (Tuesday).
Expect a lame draw for the chance to meet Ecuador in the next round.
In a Word: Desperate
Out of 10: 5
Sunday, June 11, 2006
ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)
England 1-0 Paraguay
England looked good for 30 minutes, then fell away dismally and looked downright nervous for much of the second half against a stubborn, but very average Paraguayan side.
Beckham, Crouch and Joe Cole did well, everyone else varied from mediocre to poor.
The biggest worry was Michael Owen who looked slow and disinterested and was deservedly substituted early in the second half, though why he was replaced by Downing is anyone's guess.
But still they say the first game is always the worst and we've got three points in the bag - courtesy of an own goal - and sit proudly at the top of our group.
If we go on and knock three or four past Trinidad & Tobago, everyone will be saying we're worldbeaters.
In a Word: Indifferent
Out of 10: 5.5
England looked good for 30 minutes, then fell away dismally and looked downright nervous for much of the second half against a stubborn, but very average Paraguayan side.
Beckham, Crouch and Joe Cole did well, everyone else varied from mediocre to poor.
The biggest worry was Michael Owen who looked slow and disinterested and was deservedly substituted early in the second half, though why he was replaced by Downing is anyone's guess.
But still they say the first game is always the worst and we've got three points in the bag - courtesy of an own goal - and sit proudly at the top of our group.
If we go on and knock three or four past Trinidad & Tobago, everyone will be saying we're worldbeaters.
In a Word: Indifferent
Out of 10: 5.5
THE LIBERTINE - DVD Review
Johnny Enters into the Breeches
Not a lot happens in The Libertine, which is surprising, considering it's about one of the most lascivious rakes in British history.
Essentially it's a series of long monologues strung together with bits and pieces of biographical detail and the odd, very tastefully shot, louche encounter.
A perfect vehicle for the enduring brilliance of Johnny Depp, the film is a flawed but charming account, of an extremely flawed, but by all accounts, devilishly charming man.
The film is bookended by two speeches from Depp as the Earl of Rochester, a 17th century wretch whose appetite for self-destruction makes Pete Doherty look like Mother Teresa.
In the first the Earl assures us that we won't like him and he pops up at the end to say I told you so.
The fact that we do like and care for such a selfish and latterly, deformed and pox-ridden monster is a testament to the power of Depp's acting.
We see a man who's brilliance is at odds with his self-loathing, an outstandingly gifted poet, dramatist and politician who believes excess leads to the palace of wisdom, but finds only sickness, misery and contempt.
A moving story of a thrilling, but wasted life, The Libertine is overlong and a trifle self-indulgent, but worth the price of rental for Depp's performance alone.
In a Word: Elegaic
Out of 10: 6.5
Not a lot happens in The Libertine, which is surprising, considering it's about one of the most lascivious rakes in British history.
Essentially it's a series of long monologues strung together with bits and pieces of biographical detail and the odd, very tastefully shot, louche encounter.
A perfect vehicle for the enduring brilliance of Johnny Depp, the film is a flawed but charming account, of an extremely flawed, but by all accounts, devilishly charming man.
The film is bookended by two speeches from Depp as the Earl of Rochester, a 17th century wretch whose appetite for self-destruction makes Pete Doherty look like Mother Teresa.
In the first the Earl assures us that we won't like him and he pops up at the end to say I told you so.
The fact that we do like and care for such a selfish and latterly, deformed and pox-ridden monster is a testament to the power of Depp's acting.
We see a man who's brilliance is at odds with his self-loathing, an outstandingly gifted poet, dramatist and politician who believes excess leads to the palace of wisdom, but finds only sickness, misery and contempt.
A moving story of a thrilling, but wasted life, The Libertine is overlong and a trifle self-indulgent, but worth the price of rental for Depp's performance alone.
In a Word: Elegaic
Out of 10: 6.5
Thursday, May 25, 2006
FIFTH COLUMN RANT: Celebrity Appeals
Charity Begins At Home
Nothing gets my goat more than celebrities asking us for money.
Events like Live Aid, Soccer Aid, Sport Relief and even Children in Need raise millions for good causes, but they wouldn't be necessary if those greedy bastards demanding our pledges handed over a tiny proportion of their annual income to the very charities they are begging us to cough up for.
Robbie Williams' smug fizzog is enough to make anyone want to vomit.
But to see him shedding tears for Aids orphans when he's rolling around in enough cash to buy a small country, truly makes me sick.
Why should we have to dig in our pockets, when through our licence fees, we're already lining the bank accounts of the likes of Davina, Jonathan Ross and Fiona Bruce.
I have infinitely more respect for the likes of Andre Agassi, Johnny Depp and Roy Keane, who give without fanfare, than the legions of grinning, preening leeches, who seize on a charity appearance as a way of enhancing their miserable careers.
If the uber-rich dug as deep as they're constantly urging us to do, there'd be a lot less poverty, disease and inequality in this world.
So go on you scummers get out your cheque-books for a change and spare us the agony of another charity marathon!
Nothing gets my goat more than celebrities asking us for money.
Events like Live Aid, Soccer Aid, Sport Relief and even Children in Need raise millions for good causes, but they wouldn't be necessary if those greedy bastards demanding our pledges handed over a tiny proportion of their annual income to the very charities they are begging us to cough up for.
Robbie Williams' smug fizzog is enough to make anyone want to vomit.
But to see him shedding tears for Aids orphans when he's rolling around in enough cash to buy a small country, truly makes me sick.
Why should we have to dig in our pockets, when through our licence fees, we're already lining the bank accounts of the likes of Davina, Jonathan Ross and Fiona Bruce.
I have infinitely more respect for the likes of Andre Agassi, Johnny Depp and Roy Keane, who give without fanfare, than the legions of grinning, preening leeches, who seize on a charity appearance as a way of enhancing their miserable careers.
If the uber-rich dug as deep as they're constantly urging us to do, there'd be a lot less poverty, disease and inequality in this world.
So go on you scummers get out your cheque-books for a change and spare us the agony of another charity marathon!
DA VINCI CODE - Film Review
Leonardo Bravado
Denounced by British critic Mark Kermode as the "dullest movie ever made", Da Vinci Code had serious scribes laughing like drains on its unveiling in Cannes.
The reception was so bad that star Tom Hanks had a hissy fit and flew back to the US leaving director Ron Howard to face the critical crucifixion alone.
But you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and a book about riddle-solving nerds, who stumble on Christianity's greatest secret is hardly going to make for a masterpiece of cinema.
Yes the dialogue is risible, the plot ridiculous and the raft of exposition tiresome, but as a thriller it's really not that bad.
The performances are generally good, with Jean Reno in particular doing well with his thinly-sketched Opus Dei cop.
But its our own Sir Ian McKellen who saves the movie, with a camp as Christmas performance that brings light relief from the silly cod-seriousness of the conspiracies and diabolical dealings in darkened rooms.
Not by any stretch of the imagination The Greatest Story Ever Told, Da Vinci Code won't win any Oscars, but I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.
And it saves you having to read the bloody book!
In a word: Passable
Out of 10: 6
Denounced by British critic Mark Kermode as the "dullest movie ever made", Da Vinci Code had serious scribes laughing like drains on its unveiling in Cannes.
The reception was so bad that star Tom Hanks had a hissy fit and flew back to the US leaving director Ron Howard to face the critical crucifixion alone.
But you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and a book about riddle-solving nerds, who stumble on Christianity's greatest secret is hardly going to make for a masterpiece of cinema.
Yes the dialogue is risible, the plot ridiculous and the raft of exposition tiresome, but as a thriller it's really not that bad.
The performances are generally good, with Jean Reno in particular doing well with his thinly-sketched Opus Dei cop.
But its our own Sir Ian McKellen who saves the movie, with a camp as Christmas performance that brings light relief from the silly cod-seriousness of the conspiracies and diabolical dealings in darkened rooms.
Not by any stretch of the imagination The Greatest Story Ever Told, Da Vinci Code won't win any Oscars, but I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.
And it saves you having to read the bloody book!
In a word: Passable
Out of 10: 6
Saturday, May 06, 2006
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III - Film Review
Ethan Saves Tom from Self-Destruction
It's been quite an eventful year for Tiny Tom - what with Katie and the baby and all that speculation over whether he's gone completely off his noodle.
However one look at MI:III is enough to suggest that, while his off screen image may be floundering in a sea of Scientology and innuendo, he remains a capable and convincing
It's been quite an eventful year for Tiny Tom - what with Katie and the baby and all that speculation over whether he's gone completely off his noodle.
However one look at MI:III is enough to suggest that, while his off screen image may be floundering in a sea of Scientology and innuendo, he remains a capable and convincing
action hero.
Blissfully free of the ego-out-of-control John Woo doppelganger nonsense of the second flick, this sequel returns to the team ethic of the first movie and the original TV series.
Ving Rhames lends fatherly support and there's able assistance too from Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and the glamorous Maggie Q.
Our very own Simon Pegg, of Spaced and Shaun of the Dead fame, also pops up as a timid computer geek.
The Ethan Hunt of MI:III is more world-weary and vulnerable than we've seen before and makes some pretty catastrophic mistakes.
He's led a merry dance by Philip Seymour Hoffman's master villain and at one point is made to sit like a shame-faced schoolboy, while being comprehensively bollocked by his boss (Laurence Fishburne).
There's a dreadful schmaltzy love story which gets in the way of the action, but on the whole this is great escapist fare.
The pace seldom drags and the plot is well constructed with a series of spectacular set-pieces.
Character development is non-existent and I guarantee that you'll forget 90 per cent of what happens the minute you leave the theatre, but then that's hardly the point.
The first of the big summer blockbusters, MI:III sets a standard others will struggle to match.
Out of 10: 6.5
In a word: Explosive
Blissfully free of the ego-out-of-control John Woo doppelganger nonsense of the second flick, this sequel returns to the team ethic of the first movie and the original TV series.
Ving Rhames lends fatherly support and there's able assistance too from Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and the glamorous Maggie Q.
Our very own Simon Pegg, of Spaced and Shaun of the Dead fame, also pops up as a timid computer geek.
The Ethan Hunt of MI:III is more world-weary and vulnerable than we've seen before and makes some pretty catastrophic mistakes.
He's led a merry dance by Philip Seymour Hoffman's master villain and at one point is made to sit like a shame-faced schoolboy, while being comprehensively bollocked by his boss (Laurence Fishburne).
There's a dreadful schmaltzy love story which gets in the way of the action, but on the whole this is great escapist fare.
The pace seldom drags and the plot is well constructed with a series of spectacular set-pieces.
Character development is non-existent and I guarantee that you'll forget 90 per cent of what happens the minute you leave the theatre, but then that's hardly the point.
The first of the big summer blockbusters, MI:III sets a standard others will struggle to match.
Out of 10: 6.5
In a word: Explosive
Sunday, April 30, 2006
RANDOM TOP 10 - Dead Certs
10 Things That Were Bound to Happen
1. Wayne Rooney would get injured just before the World Cup
2. John Prescott would get caught with his pants down after claiming the moral high ground
3. Davina wouldn't get a new series
4. Take That would reform.... without Robbie Williams
5. Politicians would suddenly go green on the eve of the council elections
6. Syed would get fired on the Apprentice
7. Bush's ratings would plummet - even Americans aren't that dumb
8.Tamzin Outhwaite would "turn her back" on her er, rocketing Hollywood career in favour of ITV dramas
9. Sylvester Stallone would make another Rocky
10. James Blunt would make a stunning, life-changing long player (just kidding!!!!)
1. Wayne Rooney would get injured just before the World Cup
2. John Prescott would get caught with his pants down after claiming the moral high ground
3. Davina wouldn't get a new series
4. Take That would reform.... without Robbie Williams
5. Politicians would suddenly go green on the eve of the council elections
6. Syed would get fired on the Apprentice
7. Bush's ratings would plummet - even Americans aren't that dumb
8.Tamzin Outhwaite would "turn her back" on her er, rocketing Hollywood career in favour of ITV dramas
9. Sylvester Stallone would make another Rocky
10. James Blunt would make a stunning, life-changing long player (just kidding!!!!)
- If you've a better top 10 please let me know
A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - DVD Review
Stiff Script Causes Viggo Mortis
Director David Cronenberg clearly had high ambitions for A History of Violence,
but sadly comes up short.
The film has a neat, but simple premise as man with a past, Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen),
sees his all-American lifestyle crumbling after a spot of well-intentioned heroism.
Tom's exploits mean instant TV fame, but his 15 minutes attracts the unwelcome attention
of the mob in the shape of the creepily menacing Ed Harris.
This could have been a great movie about how once tainted with evil, we can never escape its clutches; about how its stain spreads like circles in a pond to envelop those we love and hold dear.
But Cronenberg bottles it, opting instead for stagey horror-film violence and a rather silly pat ending.
In between times we get an under-developed sub-plot of a bullied son and a rather odd sex scene, which seems to suggest you can blow away as many people as you like as long as you're a half decent shag.
After her brilliant turn in The Cooler, Maria Bello is wasted as Tom's sexy lawyer wife and William Hurt is hopelessly miscast as Tom's gangland boss brother.
All in all too much claret and too little clarity.
Out of 10: 5.5
In a word: Sloppy
Director David Cronenberg clearly had high ambitions for A History of Violence,
but sadly comes up short.
The film has a neat, but simple premise as man with a past, Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen),
sees his all-American lifestyle crumbling after a spot of well-intentioned heroism.
Tom's exploits mean instant TV fame, but his 15 minutes attracts the unwelcome attention
of the mob in the shape of the creepily menacing Ed Harris.
This could have been a great movie about how once tainted with evil, we can never escape its clutches; about how its stain spreads like circles in a pond to envelop those we love and hold dear.
But Cronenberg bottles it, opting instead for stagey horror-film violence and a rather silly pat ending.
In between times we get an under-developed sub-plot of a bullied son and a rather odd sex scene, which seems to suggest you can blow away as many people as you like as long as you're a half decent shag.
After her brilliant turn in The Cooler, Maria Bello is wasted as Tom's sexy lawyer wife and William Hurt is hopelessly miscast as Tom's gangland boss brother.
All in all too much claret and too little clarity.
Out of 10: 5.5
In a word: Sloppy
Thursday, April 27, 2006
EDITORS The Back Room - CD
Hacks' The Way to Do It
Despite relatively little press fanfare, Editors' The Back Room is comfortably
outselling the debut efforts of media darlings Babyshambles and Bloc Party.
And once again the great British public has got one over on the self-pronounced
Out of 10: 7.5
In a Word: Bullet-proof
outselling the debut efforts of media darlings Babyshambles and Bloc Party.
And once again the great British public has got one over on the self-pronounced
harbingers of the zeitgeist, because this is a fine debut album.
Instead of relying on image, Editors have devoted their energies to the music,
Instead of relying on image, Editors have devoted their energies to the music,
springing fully-formed from their Staffordshire Uni roots with a well crafted collection of songs.
Singer Tom Smith is already tired of comparisons to Joy Division's Ian Curtis and there's no
denying the connection with Manchester's legendary merchants of doom.
But if they sound like anyone, it's criminally underrated '80s sultans of shimmer Kitchens of Distinction.
Tom's voice has echoes of Patrick Fitzgerald's dulcet tones and there's a similar sense of barely restrained broiling fury.
Less gimmicky than the likes of Franz Ferdinand and more mature than their aforementioned peers, Editors are edgy, smart and accomplished.
Unusually for a first record, there's a sustained brilliance across The Back Room's 11 tracks and there's
a real sense that this is an album rather than a collection of singles and space-fillers.
Whether they can keep it going is another matter, but you'd be a fool to bet against them.
Dreadful sleeve art though!
Singer Tom Smith is already tired of comparisons to Joy Division's Ian Curtis and there's no
denying the connection with Manchester's legendary merchants of doom.
But if they sound like anyone, it's criminally underrated '80s sultans of shimmer Kitchens of Distinction.
Tom's voice has echoes of Patrick Fitzgerald's dulcet tones and there's a similar sense of barely restrained broiling fury.
Less gimmicky than the likes of Franz Ferdinand and more mature than their aforementioned peers, Editors are edgy, smart and accomplished.
Unusually for a first record, there's a sustained brilliance across The Back Room's 11 tracks and there's
a real sense that this is an album rather than a collection of singles and space-fillers.
Whether they can keep it going is another matter, but you'd be a fool to bet against them.
Dreadful sleeve art though!
Out of 10: 7.5
In a Word: Bullet-proof
